Research on Jealousy

Today I decided it would be a good idea for me to start doing some research on jealousy, on why we as human beings feel it and why it hurts not only ourselves but relationships we have at the same time.
For quite a while, since maybe around 2015, I've had pretty bad problems with jealousy...It's not something I'm very proud of nor am I proud of my behavior because of it. I do know, that from my own jealousy, it sparked a lot of very negative thoughts I have about myself. Things like, feeling like I'm not good enough or always a disappointment, things like feeling scared that maybe the people I love and care about don't actually love me and are just telling me they do so they don't hurt me.
So I'm doing this as a way to try to understand jealousy a bit more and try to find a way to make it so I don't feel it as often or at all to be honest. I'd rather not get jealous. Just because I know how bad it got last time, it tore me apart. And I don't want to risk the same thing happening this time with a relationship I am extremely happy in.

So, my first instinct was to start off by watching a Ted talk about Jealousy. The one I chose was titled "An Ode to Envy" the speaker was Parul Sehgal. It was a very interesting and thought-provoking speech. Something I realized is, for me, it's definitely true that I seem to make up stories of other peoples lives in my mind that make me feel horrible. And those stories can originate from the smallest of things, and it could even originate about myself. And it definitely tells me that I need to grow from this and change how I think if I want to get away from this seemingly never ending maze of jealousy and negative feelings.

The next thing I decided to do, was ask a few people, about what their thoughts on jealousy are.

I'll be keeping these people anonymous, but the first question I had was "How do you feel about jealousy?"
To this the first person responded "I think it's a natural human feature, I sometimes even feel jealous about my best scoring higher marks than me. But then I usually deal with it, without leading to any negative effect on anyone else."
To that I responded with another question, "What usually helps you deal with it before it leads to that?" 
"I deal with jealousy by explaining myself I am better and can do much better in any situation" They responded.
"What is the main thing that you've noticed, that sparks this feeling?" 
"Someone being better than me in a field/thing that I can do better or is my forte"
"Does it ever happen for things like relationships/friendships?" 
To which they responded with "Yess, a lot of times."
I responded back with the question: "For that do you have a different method of controlling it?" 
"Yes, I just try to relax and believe the person as they have been loyal to me till now, but ngl in cases like these controlling my feelings is really difficult. If it's getting too much I would just tell the person what I am feeling about the situation. It sometimes ends up ugly."
"Okay...And this is my last question for you, do you find that when you get jealous your brain will come up with negative assumptions?" 
"Sometimes negative assumptions do come up but I am an optimist and somehow try to see the positive in the situation."

And for another person, I asked the question "What have you noticed is a negative side to jealousy?" 
To this they responded with "The negative side from jealousy, I myself become so possessive and get so angry when they're socializing with their other friends, it's almost like I act that I own them and they should only talk to me. But, thank god I've never did that to anybody. I keep saying to myself that they are not mine and they have the right to talk to everybody else!"
To this I responded: "What is it that usually helps you control your jealousy?" 
"My mind controls it, I don't know how to say it, but when I think about things I would do just because I'm jealous, my mind just said that it's not healthy and you should never do that to anyone. I don't really have anyone I really love? Even if I do I always say to myself all of them will leave me at the end, so why bother being possessive, toxic and jealous over nothing?"
To which I responded with the question of: "Do you find that when you get jealous other kinds of negative thoughts such as the assumption that person will leave, pop into your head?" 
To that they responded with: "No I never do, I used to get scared about people leaving me, but still I didn't do anything, I'm already on my way, accepting that people will eventually leave and we can't do anything about it. Of course it hurts but there's nothing I can do."
"This is my last question for you, what would you say is the main thing that sparks the feeling of jealousy for you?" 
"When they start to slowly disappear from my dm notifications, and when I see their tweets talking sweetly and doing cute things to their other mutual. And for real life : it's when they talk about someone else and choose to hang out with them rather to hang out with me."

And for the last person, I started the conversation with the question of: "In your own words, how would you explain the feeling?"  
To this they responded: "Hmm, feeling a sense of uneasiness (may be extreme) consisting of a situation with something/someone you care for."
I responded back with: "What is something that you noticed sparks jealousy for you?" 
"Envious of attention."
"What have you noticed are side effects from being jealous?" 
"Anger, sadness, accepting why it happened, not loving myself."
"Do you have a way to control the jealousy?" 
"Listening to music and accepting the thing that happened to make me jealous."
My last question for them was "Have you noticed anything that might make it more difficult to control the jealousy?" 
Their response was "How much I want something/someone."

I know that I definitely needed these conversations and to actually have done this research. I relate in a lot of ways to a couple of the things each of these people had said, my main goal with this is to better myself as a person and a partner for the person I love and so doing this research was definitely crucial for that.
I know that my jealously can/is a big problem and so I want to work towards fixing that. Not just for the sake of my relationship and the friendships I have but to also help myself as a person and to be a better partner for my own.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post, I hope to continue on my journey with this and continue giving updates with how this is going.
I'm also working on researching and learning more about my fears and how to control those. And I think that jealousy pays a large amount of contribution to those fears. So I definitely think that jealousy is something I need to control better.

Thank you for reading!

I'd highly appreciate it if you could give me your thoughts on this blog post and if you could follow me on my other main social medias, my twitter @JoonsTokyo_ and my instagram @TheZlovee

Again thank you and I hope to have all of you with me for the next one!

~Zoe Love.

Growth and Re-purpose

It's been quite a while since I last posted on this blog. Six years to be exact. And in that time I can say that a lot has changed. For one I moved from one place to another, I lost and gained friends, and I became a different person throughout that time as well.
In the past six years I discovered a lot about myself too. I actually came to terms with my sexuality and gender identity, for example being pan-sexual and identifying with they/them pronouns, I came to terms with the fact that my religious beliefs had changed drastically as well and that I grew a lot as a person.
I learned quite a lot of things too, learning about what polyamory and relationship anarchy is, learned about all different kinds of religions and cultures, and I'm even currently in the process of working on learning some Korean and I hope to try learning some French and/or Spanish as well.
But even with all that I still have my fears and my doubts. Like just last year in December I met someone who has made my life so much brighter and filled with so much color in a way I don't even know how to explain, but one of the things I'm scared of most is losing them, because I don't think I could bare the thought of losing them, and I feel like losing them would be losing the part of myself that has helped me grow. Because ever since meeting them I've felt more myself than I have in the past five years, and there is just so much that ties into that. Losing them would be way too much for me, and I hope that even if we aren't in a relationship in the future that they could still be in my future even as a friend. I have quite a few best friends, all of who I learn from every day and all of them inspire me to be a better version of myself. I'm currently working on bettering myself and the way I think and my mental state. Which brings me to the main topic of what this blog post is about, I've grown a lot in the past six years and there are still things that I need to figure out and learn about myself. But one of the reasons I've decided to re-open this blog is because I needed some sort of outlet. Some sort of way to begin expressing myself a bit easier. Whether it be in talking about what happened in my day or talking about my thoughts and emotions that had been on my mind that day.

I want to use this platform as a way to try to better myself and grow mentally. And hopefully be able to help myself and others in the process.
And I know it'll be a long journey, with plenty of challenges, but I want to try. So hopefully with time I'll be able to do just that and this platform will serve it's purpose.

Thank you for reading this blog post and if you would like to support me on my social media platforms I'd highly appreciate it, follow me on twitter @JoonsTokyo_ and on Instagram @TheZlovee

Thank you
~Zoe

Today I will be getting the cast for my movie. The next post that I make will have a list of the cast and what type of supernatural they are. Hope you all can remember the name of the movie. The name is "The Monster Girl's". The movie is about a group of girls who are really mean to the other group. The group that was being mean was led by the meanest girl in the school, Prissy Sterlin. The other group was led by the nice and popular girl. Her name is Stella Stein. She is the sister of the second meanest girl in school, Frankie Stein. The other girls in the nice group are named Twighlight, Rainbow dash, Rarity and Stella. The mean girls are Frankie, Prissy, Apple Jack and Jinafire Long. The mean girls of the high school kicked the nice girls out of school. The nice girls had to find a way to get back in the high school. So Stella  asked Jinafire Long to join their club. She said, "Sure!" Then Jinafire Long let them back into the school. The principle was so mad at the mean girls that she made them go into math class after school. The nice girl, Stella, was trying to get her friends to get along with Jina. They would not. Stella said, "Jina will be joining our club." The girls laughed and said, "Stella, you must be joking!" But Stella was not. Jina said, "The mean girls were mean to me, but then the nice girls agreed to help." When the mean girls were sent to Cematree High, the nice girls cheered. There weren't anymore mean girls, but Stella felt sorry that the girls were sent to Cematree High. They would have to do math, cut trees and do hard work. It was a bad high school. So Stella and Jina went to go get them out. When they got to Cematree High, the mean girls were doing math in the rain. They got mud on their boots and water on their homework. Frankie said, "Oh look girls. Looks like the nice girls are here to make fun of us for working hard." Then Stella said to her sister, "Look girls, I'm sorry the principle sent you here.  Me and Jina are here to help." Prissy said, "Maybe it's just one of your funny little pranks." Stella said, "It's not. Watch me work." Away Stella went doing their math and work all throughout the day. Then the girls said, "Wow! Why did you do that for us?" Stella said, "Twighlight taught me that friendship is the most powerful thing. So, I came to get you out." The next day, the girls were out of Cematree High and were back in Monster High. Hope you enjoyed my post/story. Sorry it was so long, but I hope you enjoyed it. Peace out!

Morning:

Today I got up and I had to go out to catch our baby bunnies. Then I ate breakfast and got dressed.

I did some school and my favorite part about it was getting to learn new things. I got to learn about finding perimeter in Math.

Afternoon:

I played Minecraft with my friend. We went to the orthodontist with my mom and after that we went to Rhema. At Rhema we saw lights and heard rock and classical music. My favorite part was getting to see the big American flag.

Evening:

We went home to rest for a few minuets then we ate dinner. We ate sweet potatoes and BBQ chicken while we watched "Arthur Christmas".

Thank you for reading my blog today. I love making Facebook and blog posts. Bye!

Morning
I played Minecraft then I fed my bunnies then got dressed and did school.

Afternoon
This afternoon I read some books: "Alice Spy" and "The Amazing Spider-Man". Then I played Minecraft then I went to help make lunch. We went on a walk after lunch and I saw a pretty weed.

I had fun making some future plans. They may or may not really happen.

Evening
I watched a movie while I ate dinner. Then Mom and Dad had news to say. Mom is going to have a baby! I'm so exited for the baby that will be coming. Well, that's it for my blog. Peace out!

Day Three

Hey bloggers. Today I woke up at 5 am in the morning. 

We were babysitting my baby cousin Jocelyn.     

                                                                                                                                                            Then it was the afternoon and my uncles arrived at my house and my cousin's mother, Rachel.

Then my little brother made a dance on Just Dance 3. He was being so cute. Now my other little brother, Toby, is making a power rangers dance. He thinks he is in the screen of freestyle but he really is not. Toby is being so adorable. He doesn't care if we are laughing. He is the best three year old brother I could ever ask for and Gideon, too, I love them both.

Day Two

Hi! I just did something on my iPad. I was looking at houses and I found a big house. It was lovely! I just fell in love with the house. I want to live in that house when I grow up. Its $7.9 million. Wow! That is a lot of money! I love my family:}

bye bloggers